Practicing Intimacy. Tantric Basics for Date Nights
Do Date Nights seem all too hard? Maybe because the common approach is on things you can Do. But if you are not in a good space, or tired, or busy, you need help to discover and learn who you BE, not more groupon suggestions. When you are comfortable with who you BE, then what you Do, and how you ARE in your relationship becomes so much more rewarding!
Tantric Communication Basics build Intimacy
The basic ingredients for your successful life, will be the same essential ingredients for your successful relationship. If I am just helping you with ‘life’ issues, I will use the terms Connection, Breathing, Presence, Emotional Intelligence, The Gap, Neuroscience….but because we are specifically talking relationships, I am going to use the terms of Tantra.
Why? Because the tantric stream of Yoga is where all of these skills are held, and because you will want to take your connection and love deeper into your sexuality and this is the logical tantric sequencing.
I’m using the idea of ‘Celebrity Interviews’ – as though you would Interview your celebrity [partner] to find out things you don’t know about them. Turning this around, I am focusing on you talking about aspects of yourself to your partner.
How To Share Something about Yourself in a Tantric/ Intimate Way
If you’ve lost connection, then tell me, when is the last time you tapped into your own feelings and shared them with your partner in an authentic way? And, if you have shared your feelings, have you honoured the sharing by creating the correct environment for this eg: in a ‘talking circle’ – for two! If you have already created the ritual of talking circle, have you used a talking stick? [The idea behind a talking stick is that the person holding it is the one who speaks. Ideally, it then gets passed from one to the other so the roles of speaker and listener are clearly defined by the physical object.]
This one idea of ‘sharing’ can break down into smaller and smaller activities until you end up with Date Night being a night where you ‘float the idea that….” and see what comes up.
Your Tantric ‘sharing’ Date Night goes like this…
♥…..Approach your partner and invite them to go to a special, and comfortable place on the floor with cushions if you need. The atmosphere and environment is ambient and appealing. Connect to yourself with belly breath, relax your eyes and face and muscles, soften your eyes. Smile – inside and out. Sit with your partner in tantric position one: kneeling or cross-legged. Breathe and look into each other’s eyes. Breathe. Keep softening and relaxing your eyes and face and body. Smile – inside and out, again. Remember you have in front of you a sacred human person you have dedicated your love to.
This space you are both sitting in, is now your ‘talking circle’ because that is your intention.
Pick up your talking stick and share some awarenesses about yourself that you have realised, but have not shared with your intimate partner. Breathe. Speak feelings, not thoughts. “I have become aware that I FEEL……”♥…..
PAUSE. Backtrack….This ‘Step 13’, might work for you or it mightn’t depending on how comfortable you are with ‘connecting’ and if your partner is open to new and deeper activities than movies and dinners! Here are the steps to follow to create this event. Each of the 12 steps could be a date night activity in itself. They are written in reverse order, so if you prefer, scroll down and read up from Number 1.
12. Make a talking stick with your partner. [Make it special, sacred, and use it together and ritualistically to talk about ‘special’ things on other date times.]
11. Go and look for objects together. Eg a stick, feathers, rocks, beads, paint, glue, coloured paper……. You could share this idea, or make the ‘looking for’ a mystery surprise and don’t tell them the end goal – leave that for a different date.
10. Float the idea of making a talking stick together to bring some ritual into your intimate communications.
9. Find pictures, an article, or use an object to show your partner what a talking stick could be for you. [I can help you here – ask me for examples.]
8. Invite your partner into your specially selected spot and sit together in your tantric connection position. Breathe, smile. Touch hands or hands on hearts if you can reach.
7. Float the idea of sitting together in tantric position, or hugging spoon position while you relax and breathe – just to connect. If it feels awkward, weird, artificial, strange, embarassing…..then say ‘I feel vulnerable about asking this as it feels awkward/ weird/ artificial/ strange/ embarassing….and then request they sit with you. Make it fun. Stay playful. Make it joyful. [Remember I am not speaking to experts here, I want to help you get over this hurdles and if this doesn’t apply, just scroll on by :)]
6. Practice your sitting position and time how long you can stay seated for? Kneeling, cross-legged….do you or your partner prefer a chairs? What do you need to make you comfortable for 6 minutes? What do you imagine your partner would need to be comfortable for up to 6 minutes unbroken sitting time?
5. Breathe, connect your heart and go find your partner and hold them for a twenty second hug. Look into their eyes while you breathe and imagine your brain connecting to your breath and heart, and imagine your two hearts connecting. You could introduce this by saying ‘I am practicing something new!’, Or ‘I am practicing loving you’, ‘I just love you’, ‘I realise I don’t hug you enough’, ‘I realise I haven’t really held you for a long time’, ‘This feels weird for me, and I really appreciate you can stay with me for this hug’…….
4. Research what you need to make your spot comfortable. Cushions/ chairs, insect repellant, doors/ windows closed or locked, odours, wraps or rugs or cooling for the right temperature. Tissues. Is there water on hand?
3. Choose a spot in your home, garden or favourite spot that you would like to use a your ‘talking spot’.
2. Breathing, Imagine your brain connecting to your breath and your own neglected heart. Imagine your two hearts connecting.
1. Practice – at least twice daily – breathing into your belly [diaphragmatic breath].
Your intimate committed relationship is not something you just tack onto your life in the evenings or weekends. It is an intertwining of the essence of two special human beings weaving lives together. Your weave can create rough hessian, or fine tapestry. 50% of that weave comes from you.
If you want to move your sexuality out of wham bam, or non-existent, the skills in the list above include the mindset shift and skills of connection that then move from the connection to yourself, to deep connection through sensuality and sexuality with your partner. Let’s start with these basic skills and let’s start with you.
Want more ideas, or have I not covered this in the way you needed? Ask me what you need to know. More tips on Date Nights for Busy People, read this quick post!
Susan Wanmer. Relationships Coach, Relationships blogger. Yogini.